If you were my man...

I would never make you go clothes shopping for me. Real men do not belong in women's shops. I am perfectly capably of dressing myself without you. I don't want to be in a mall myself, why would I make you.

I will never try to make you to stop and ask directions. If we are lost long enough, I will eventually have to go to the bathroom, giving me the opportunity to ask myself.

I will tease you outrageously. I am not cruel when I tease. You are in trouble if I don't tease.

I will not ask you to ride my bitch seat. I will ask that you tune my bike however.

You will stop on your way home and gladly buy our feminine protection units. Because if we didn't need them, we would be pregnant. You will also know to pick up some steaks and chippies and chocolate.

If you piss me off, I will tell you. I don't hold back and say nothing is wrong.

Do not buy me jewerly. I don't like jewerly so much. If I find something I want, I will buy it, without guilt.

You will not be jealous of me kissing my friends. Or the kids. Or my friends kids. Or the cat. You may draw the line on my kissing the picture of The Rock on my fridge door, or Dr. Theeth, my new carving knife but you will get over it.

The words, "Does this make me look fat?", will never be asked of you. I can tell what you like by the look in your eyes. But I dress to please me.

I will never discuss our intimate life with my girlfriends. I might blog a little about it.

I will change my mind often. Or not.

You will not spend hours waiting for me to get off the phone with my friends. Any number of friends however will be sitting in my kitchen with me at any given time. You will learn to wear pants at all times.

There will be a book at all times in the car. And in the boat. And your truck. And stacks by the leather chair. And you will have to move them out of the way to see the tv screen on the counter. But just don't lose my page. I do not have time for all that re-reading.

I would never have you wait for me in a beauty salon. I feel so bad for those poor uncomfortably suckers who then have to gush at their significant others appearance. I get impationt having to wait for myself, I would not wait for anyone.

I can be ready and dressed for anything in under thirty minutes tops. That's showered, make up and clean clothes.

If you are wrapped up in sports and games, I am just gone. Not that I would leave you. I'd just find somewhere else to be, doing something I like. I will not whine for your attention.

I will want you to do all mechanical technical stuff. And you will want to after you see the mess I make of such things.

You will learn more about food than you ever imagined.

I will ask you to open all jars. Seams as I am losing my grip.